i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
