Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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