its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Help me help you realize you are a moron
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
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