Heybabeimwearingurpanties
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
