hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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