At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
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