that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
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