she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
