We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Randomize
