dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
