I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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