We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
