I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Randomize