While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
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