im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Randomize
