Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
