i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize