so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
we're making bets on your personal life
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
