nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
