My underwear smells like fireworks.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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