hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
