I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
