I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
