Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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