Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
i've created a new STD.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
