Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
