Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
