If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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