fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
FUCK WHALES
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