i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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