I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
