i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
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