If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
