Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
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