After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
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