I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
