so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
