Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
