i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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