Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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