the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
nutella sex= disaster
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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