Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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