There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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