Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
