i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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