Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
