It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
