Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Randomize
