Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
