I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
