you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
