the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Congratulations! We have a period
Randomize
