He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
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