Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Still dying that you shit outside
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
