i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
